[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?