*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
They’re on their honeymoon
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.