*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.