Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go