Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL