@_RyanBryce: Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says "have you got any nut allergies" aye pal I'm planning suicide by donut
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@kumailn: Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
@LizHackett: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.