asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
You Might Also Like
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.