[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Seas the day!!!!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can