Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal