Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.