@backporchlady: Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
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@Pro_Jones_: (Job Interview) Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I'm unemployed. I: How about something personal? Me: Personally I need a job.
@Fred_Delicious: [Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"
@captainkalvis: Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back