@backporchlady: Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
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@pleatedjeans: [couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
@LnL245: M: Um, you just spelled "qwerty" as "querty". H: So? M: Look at the keyboard. H: And? M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@ericsshadow: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise