Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
A ghost story
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?