Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?