Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Aaaa…CHOO!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?