Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I bet birds love this building.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Your secret is safeish with me
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.