Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
You Might Also Like
Mountain Goat : )
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
#CoronaOutbreak
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.