Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another