Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke