Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m Sold!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”