*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.