*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?