*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge