*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Just grow your own
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.