*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Every work call, he judges.
no
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out