“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.