@GarrettCake: "Asparagus!!!" - italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats
@WAPratt: CLEVELAND: We want a championship. DEVIL: ok, but you'll have to host the Republicans. CLE: ...Fine. DEVIL: Trump's the guy. CLE: We want 2.
@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
@gengen874: Went on a date once. He ordered for me, "She'll have a small side salad." I said, "Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato."