@GarrettCake: "Asparagus!!!" - italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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@SlabBaconBP: I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Dog Restaurant] "Is the Book Report any good?" Yes, Sir. "How's it prepared?" A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. "Ooh, I'll have that."
@ddsmidt: In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar. While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
@howe007: Interviewer: Why do you want this job? Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food