Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
There are no pants in heaven.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.