Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
They’re really bad with fonts.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*