[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
and now we wait
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Husband of the year 😂