@RoosterMustache: Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor
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@mydaughtersarmy: The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
@bourgeoisalien: [walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
@TragicAllyHere: *being abducted by aliens* Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin' on, snack-wise?
@XLToast: No son, you can't go out with your friends. Tonight we're installing Windows Updates, as a family.