“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby