If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
When I said I liked it rough.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.