[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision