Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
You Might Also Like
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Twitter fine art
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
any last words?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions