Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Catering service
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.