Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything