Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
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8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.