My five year plan is a meteorite
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Single and childfree like Jesus
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.