Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.