*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…