My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.