People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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what’s really going on
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”