gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.