ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework