Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.