astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes