Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Good morning!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.