“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I feel this so hard
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day