Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
That’s easy for you to say
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.