Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The two types of wives
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.