You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Saw your ex at the shops
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Bro what is this
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.