Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
…żyje?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
lmao
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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