[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Always.
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